Introspection On Life

June 6, 2018

Three weeks ago my neighbor passed away unexpectedly. From all appearances, he was healthy and full of life. Given how close he was to my age, his passing and his family’s loss, struck me especially hard. For nearly two weeks, his car sitting idly on his lot became a daily reminder of how fleeting, fragile and precious life is. It also led to to question, “what am I am doing, and how am I living my best life?” “Am I going after what I want and making the most of my gifts and talents?” Honestly, I’ve not always done that. My path hasn’t ventured the way I thought it would, and as a parent, I have sacrificed (at times at my own personal expense) for what’s best for my family. In the end, a great job or career will not be my legacy, but how I invested and poured into my children will. If I look at my life through that lens, I have no regrets. On the flip side, who I am as an individual (apart from who I am as a wife or mother) is also important and deserves attention. So balance and purpose in all I do, is what I’m seeking. Are there areas that need improvement? Of course! Do I have it all figured out? Not at all, but I am seeking, learning, growing and living. Stagnation is not an option.

Do you find yourself in a similar position? How are you pursuing balance and purpose in life?


Rivers Flow

July 15, 2017

I’ve thought of this quote often lately: “Every river knows where its water would not be soaked up into the earth, and that is where it flows past.” – A Nigerian Proverb

It reminds me of trusting one’s intuition, and of moving forward with deliberateness. In retrospect, I’ve had many moments to practice such this year, and I have a feeling it’ll only continue. First, it was deciding to invest in my PM certification (of which I’m still working on). It has bothered me that I wasn’t able to finish my degree, and while I still think it is important to do so, I’m a believer of ‘working with what you’ve got.’ 

A week after that, it was literally accepting that I’m not a “hypochondriac,” and of also disregarding my Doctor’s ‘you need to rest and take a vacation’ suggestions, to really seek out what was wrong with me. For a while I didn’t feel like myself, and since there wasn’t any visible evidence, it was easier to just wait. I’m no longer just waiting, and while I may not have all the answers, I’m feeling significantly better than I was before.

In hindsight, I can now see that often, we’re too long suffering at times. We hold off maybe out of fear, lack of motivation, or even cowardice of facing the truth. We assure ourselves that it’ll work itself out, but in truth, it has stagnated and so have we. 

So, like a river that shifts course when its water is not soaked up, we need to be observant/discerning enough to shift along with it. Now, I’m not saying to be “flighty, impulsive, and or unpredictable.” Those are issues for another time, but just like a year has seasons (and they don’t transition abruptly), so too does life. Take stock and move accordingly.

I now know myself enough to know (and admit), I don’t like ambiguity or not knowing. I don’t like mind-games, or manipulation. I may not have all the answers, but I want to move with certainty with what I do know. This may sound rigid to some, but I don’t see it that way at all. I believe in the importance of setting parameters, and of having standards. I may not know or have all that I want, but in identifying what it is I don’t want, gives me the freedom to seek out the more. 

A decade ago, I left things at, ‘I am becoming;’ and a decade later, I’m still becoming, and that is ok… moving wherever the river’s course takes me, and trusting, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).” I’m believing that for myself and for my family, and flowing wherever the course takes me. 

*I would love to hear your thoughts. Can you relate, or can you interpret the proverb differently? 

As December 2015 progressed and finally came to a close, I caught myself repeatedly saying to myself, “going forward, I reserve the right to change my mind.”

In life, there will always be moments of pain followed by joy, and on it goes. It is ever changing and sometimes, we ought to stop, reexamine where we are, and decide if we are going to continue just so, or make shifts.

2015 brought our family many moments of just that; new job, car died, withdrew from some commitments, and most drastic, we left our home church.

Some might ask why I mention this, but it was home for the greater part of the past 5 years. It impacted us greatly. We grew, we learned so much, and we made lasting connections with incredible people. We also talked about it all the time, we invited friends and family, and if you just so happened to live out of state, we invited you to view via live stream, or listen to countless podcasts.

I admit, I already feel a sense of loss and nostalgia, but a shift happened; one not of my making, but one many never expected. There were months (too many) of lurking in discomfort, fueled by Hope for the home we loved. In the end, we felt it best to leave.

Again, some might ask why I share this… I do because of this: many may have and will experience church disappointment, and their default response may be to leave “the church” (especially if they are young in faith). I want to encourage you to seek God. His vision for you and “His Church,” is far greater than what has been interpreted by us humans.

I also share this because, 2015 was a big reminder of how important family is. In the end what comforted me most, and impacted our decision was God reminding us, He did not entrust us with a church, but he entrusted us with our family.

So, as 2016 begins I will continue to be lead by that… protect the non negotiable, such as family, but I reserve the right to examine the other areas as I move ahead.

A Happy New Year to you!

“For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on earth: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what was planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to throw
away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to search, and a time to give something up as lost; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to rip, and a time to sew; a time to keep silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1-8‬ ‭(NET)‬‬